


You Know, Sometimes You Just Have to Get Out of Bed.

by Noirmalls



Category: South Park
Genre: Craig Tucker Being An Asshole, Established Relationship, Gnome Violence, Long and Stupid, M/M, so much cursing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-16 21:16:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28837668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Noirmalls/pseuds/Noirmalls
Summary: Craig wakes up, and assaults something trying to get into his room. Then he realizes that even though you REALLY wanna just go back to bed, you just gotta get up and face some bullshit you know is coming.
Relationships: Craig Tucker/Tweek Tweak
Comments: 4
Kudos: 39
Collections: jan 2021 - sp creek server does gnomes





	1. Wake Up, Make your Bed and- Aw Shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First fic on the site, first fic in, god 7 years? I am apart of a Creek server, and they have a monthly prompt, and guess what it is? 
> 
> No literally guess, because well jeez if I tell you here it would be spoiling!
> 
> Also, this will be short and stupid, so get ready for nonsense!

Craig likes waking up, you know. 

Even though he wants to stay in bed more then anything after a long bender of playing games, he knows that hanging out here will piss the day away, specifically his Saturday. He glances over to his phone, pressing the power butten to wake up the dark screen, and, as per usual, a bunch of text messages from his friends and lover. He decides to ignore it for the moment to fully wake up. Sometimes newly awakened Craig places more of the, "bitch," in his punk ass bitch personality.

He rises from his comfy bed, rubbing his eyes and yawning in his usual dead pan tone. Even years later, at 20 years old, and he can't bother with a higher inflection. The air was cold but not still, the window open slightly from last night, his thin blue curtains rustling and letting sun hit his eyes. He immediately pulls on his black hoodie hanging precariously on one of the bed postes beside him, and goes over to his dresser to put on sweat pants over his boxers. Good enough effort, just because he wanted to be awake doesn't mean he was going to dress like he wanted to.

After that he grabs his brush from stop his dresser, and begins to brush his hair in the mirror, hung higher up for his 6'2 ass. 

As combs his slight mullet, eyes half lidded, he notices a shadow in the window, which sat directly behind his mirror across the room. Sitting where it was not previously, a small sillouette resembled the shape of a small man sat, staring at him from behind his blue curtains. He continued to brush his hair calmly, facial expression neutral despite his now racing heart, and slowly began inching for the bat he kept besides his dresser. If it was one of his friends, he'd apologize later, and if it was like, anyone else... Well fuck them.

When he was finally within reach, he grabbed the handle, twisted his body around and threw the bat at the offending peeping tom. The bat spun in the air like a frisbee. Craig hit his target, but instead of the sound of metal hitting flesh, a sound of broken glass filled the air, the sillouette breaking into peices, many following the bat out the 2nd floor window onto the ground below... Where a distent sound of more glass being broken rang out.

"What the fuck..." He mutters, before walking over to the window, (careful to avoid broken peices of whatver that was,) and looked outside to his neighborhood.

What he saw made him sigh hard under his breath, "God fucking damn it."

From every ceiling, to every yard, to even on top of cars mailboxes, sidewalks, and overhangs, he sees hundreds of fucking lawn gnomes, rosey, pocilen cheeks and pointed hats in a variety of colors speckling the landscape. 

In that moment, his phone rang, and judging from the ringtone, he was in for a hell day.

Probably should have stayed in bed after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE PROMPT WAS GNOMES!
> 
> DID YOU GUESS!?
> 
> WELL GOOD FOR YOU BUT YOU GET NOTHING FOR DOING SO!
> 
> HAPPY JANUARY!


	2. God, So Gnomophobic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Craig gets a call from his lover and wants to help him. He's a bad driver and Tweek hates gnomes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hah, cranking out another chapter in 1 day! Hah. I'm scared I jinxed myself.
> 
> It's a lot longer then intended and tbh my short and stupid fic might become long and stupid, so sorry for everyone who wanted a fast read!

Craig felt like he was taking his driver's test all over again, only instead weaving in and out through cones, it was fucking lawn gnomes. 

He probably would have failed much faster too if that was the case, because for every 2 he would miss, he would then run over 5, the violent sounds of shattering and leices skidding across the asphalt happening every 2 seconds. Should have broken out the bike for this. However, after his boyfriend, Tweek called his phone on the verge of a mental break down, he went into a blind surge and got into his car on instinct. 

When he first saw the extent of the invasion when he actually went outside to get into his car, he knew it was way worse then what he could see just from his window. However, for some reason, he was internally hopeful that the roads leading up to Tweek's house would be slightly clear, but it was even WORSE then his initial rude awakening.

Litterally every property on his street had at least 50 gnomes littered every where, each one different in a small way, like the colors of their clothes, beards, pointed hats, and what they were holding in their little fat hands, such as flowers, a plastic shovel, etc. In terms of general shape, however, they were basically identical, and it was starting to piss him off. Especially since he knew the amount of fucking dings and scratches these creepy prototype chuckee dolls were causing to his already fucked up car.

When he finally got to Tweek's house, he noticed his parent's car was gone. Must be at the coffee shop, though how they got there without breaking a single gnome was beyond him.

He parked haphazardly, and as if the world itself wanted to say fuck him, the last gnome he ran over before parking got under his tire, breaking and punturing it in several places. He could feel his car lowering to one side ever so slightly as he put it in park. He growled slightly and punched the steering wheel in anger. His knuckles throbbed slightly hitting the plastic center, and the horn sounding probably freaked out an already hysterical Tweek inside but in the moment, Craig felt a bit better.

He texted Tweek to let him know it was him and not the gnomes coming to life or whatever, and used his own key to unlock the 3 deadbolts.

When he opens the door, he hears the familiar sounds of his boyfriend, his voice carrying through the halls and down the stairs.

Craig makes his way up, been through here so many times he could have been blindfolded, and knocks when he reaches the wooden door at the end of the hall.

The opened before he could get the 3rd knock in, locks on the otherside rattled open with sugical precision. Before he knew it, it was open and Tweek, still in his PJs was yanking him in by the arm, "CRAIG, JESUS. GET THE FUCK IN HERE!," Craig, not prepared for how fucking fast his boyfriend was, fell and ate the green carpet, hearing the door slam shut and locks being reinstated in the same amount of time.

"Ugh... Mornin' Honey." He spits out some carpet fibers, and loose blonde hairs that got into his mouth and gets up, smoothing out his hoodie as he turns to face Tweek. 

He looked like a mess, even more so then usual. His hair stuck out in tufts, face multiple directions that should defy gravity, (great he was pulling again, and they just managed to seen him off of it). His eyes were bulged out, trying to see as much as possible all at once, body paler in hue then normal, and he was twitching like mad. Craig knew why of course, gnomes were a childhood fear of Tweeks', and waking up first thing and seeing THIS MANY outside, just staring in unknown clusters had to be, at the very least, unsettling. 

Craig walked over to the twitchy blonde, looking down on him with an expressionless face, and put his hands on the smaller male's shoulders, "Tweek-" He began to say in a slighter softer version of his usual dull tone. He knew he needed to get the other to take a breather, sit down and try to get him to breathe normally. This was the worst anxiety attack he's seen in a long while, and he didn't want his boyfriend to potentially hurt himself accidently, like rip out some more hair.

However, Tweek seemed to not be having it and shoved his arms away. "NO DUDE, DON'T FUCKING EVEN! HAVE YOU SEEN THS SHIT?!" He ran past Craig, almost tripping over himself as opened his previously tightly closed curtains. 

Craig didn't need to see it again though, and put his focus solely on Tweek. Who was pointing outside wildly, before grabbing at his face. "MY GOD CRAIG, AH! THEY'RE BACK, I KNEW THEY WOULD BE! THE UNDERPANTS GNOMES ARE GONNA, NGGHH, TAKE MY UNDERWEAR, MAKE IT INTO A GAG AND CHOKEMETODEATHFORCHASINGTHEMOFF!" He let out several high pitched pants, hands going from grabbing at what little cheek fat he had to grabbing his hair and tugging. 

Craig immediately went back onto action, grabbing his hands and replacing the hair between his fingers with his own, interlacing them tightly together. "Honey, babe, I know. It's super fucked up, and I don't know who decided to play this dumb ass prank, but I promise you, no matter who, what or why, no one is going to choke you to death with your own underwear." Underpants gnomes, he remembered Tweek desperately tried to get Craig to believe they were real. He remembered in middle school, he set up a bunch of traps all around his room, even going so far as soaking few choice peices of underwear in bleach and rat poison in hopes of finally killing off the menace. Of course, all it did was destroy good underwear, and further made Craig hate his boyfriend's parents for not putting him in actual therapy.

Tweek resisted slightly at first, jumping at the initial contact and then pulling on his fingers a few short times. However, he eventually gave in and lowered his arms, though Craig dared not let go just in case. Tweek needed something to ground him right now, and Craig was more then happy to help. "You don't know that, dickhead. Stop acting like you do. I doubt, AH, Cartman could think or do something like this in one night!" He bites back, glaring up at him, still shaking, and even though Tweek was still upset, Craig smiled gently. Ok, not out of the woods yet, but at least now he wasn't tugging at his hair and frantically going a mile a minute. 

"You're absolutely right, I don't. I just know that I wouldn't let that happen. After all..." He bent down and whispered in his ear, "I"m the only one who can do that." Tweek let out an, "AGH!" And pushed him away, pale skin suddenly lit aflame, while Craig let out a single, "heh," under his breath. 

"UGH. YOU- YOU- GOD JUST FUCK OFF!"

"I mean, sure but i'd rather fuck y-" 

"DON'T YOU DARE, AH. FINISH THAT SENTENCE!"

Perfect, at least Craig got his mind off of what was outside, then they could slowly come back to it, and Craig could help walk him through his feelings, maybe snuggle on the couch after and just relax. Not like they could go anywhere, and Craig was not interested on what was the causing this infestation of tacky lawn ornaments. All he wanted to do was make sure his boyfriend was ok, the rest of the town could sort itself out again without their god damned help, like normal.

Craig waited for a few seconds, waiting for Tweek to calm down before coming closer once again, this time wrapping his arms around him and leading him over to the bed. Tweek didn't resist, even snuggling slightly into his chest, pants lowering into sighs. "You ok now?" He asks, rubbing his back. Tweek leaned on his side, shaking his head, "No, of course not but... At least you know I'm, AH, not seeing things." Craig nodded in acknowledgement, "yeah, woke up this morning and saw one of them in my window. Hit it with my bat, smashed it, peices mostly fell outside... Great, though I bet I'll have to vacuum the rest up later. This town is a pain in my ass."

Wrong move, he realized this as Tweek's eyes snapped open in pure fear, "WAIT, ONE MANAGED TO GET IN YOUR WINDOW?! AND, AH, IT WAS WATCHING YOU?! OH GOD, THEY'RE TRYING TO GET TO ME BY GETTING, NNNNG, TO YOU! YOU'RE A TARGET!" And there it was, moments of progress ruined, Tweek pulling away to grab at his hair again, getting up and starting to pace in a circle. 

Craig cursed himself out under his fucking breath and was about to get up and try to calm him down again, when his dumb ass phone starting vibrating in his pocket. Jesus christ, can the world just chill for like a second?

He answered it purely to tell the person on the other end to fuck off, but as soon as he pressed talk, a familiar dumbass voice filled his ear, "CRAIG. HOLY SHIT, ME, TOKEN AND JIMMY TEXTED YOU LIKE. 30 TIMES! ARE YOU SEEING THIS SHIT?!" He was screaming at the top of his lungs over something, and Craig had to hold the phone away from his ear.

Craig pinched his nose, "No Clyde, of course I didn't. How could I, they're just everywhere and anywhere. Jesus." Tweek yipes a bit, and Craig curses further obsenities.

"I MEAN, I FOUND ONE IN MY BATHROOM THIS MORNING, AND TOKEN FOUND ONE IN THE BACK SEAT OF HIS CAR, IT'S WILD!-" he heard some voices in the background as he spoke. The closest and the best he could make out were Token and Jimmy, both trying to talk to Clyde about something. However, their voices were being drowned by a chorus of noise that he couldn't make out.

"Clyde. I don't care who or why, I don't wanna get involved. Just let us know when the town gets rid of them so we can go outside, and if they do find out who did this, let me know so I can send them the bill. I'm with Tweek right now, I popped my tired on one of the bastards on the way over to his place." 

"THAT'S THE THING. NO ONE CAN GET RID OF THEM. SOON AS YOU BUST THEM UP, THEY JUST COME BACK!" 

Tweek, who stopped to listen, and Craig froze. Craig's stone face broke into confusion before a mild annoyence, "What the fuck do you mean-" 

Clyde inturrupted, "YOU SAID YOU RAN ONE OVER RIGHT?! I BET 10 BUCKS IT'S BACK." Craig and Tweek had the same thought it seemed, both going to the window at the same time, Tweek gasping and Craig's eyes widening slightly. 

Every single gnome Craig ran over and smashed on the road and in Tweek's driveway were completely restored, not a single shimmering piece of porelin left out of place. Even the one that popped Craig's tire was back to normal, seen visable beside the still deflated wheel it claimed as a victem.

After a few moments of silence, other then the noise on Clyde's end, Tweek let out a scream, "OH MY GOD, I KNEW IT, THEY ARE MAGIC! THEY'RE GONNA FUCKING KILL US!" Craig sighs hard in to the phone, "Fucking... Thanks Clyde." It wasn't Clyde's fault but he needed some sort of outlet. 

"HEY DUDE, DON'T BLAME ME, EVERYONE IS UPSET! A BUNCH OF THE PARENTS AND TOWNSPEOPLE ARE AT CITY HALL, THE MAYOR'S TRYING TO CALM THEM ALL DOWN! OUR PARENTS DRAGGED US ALL ALONG- WOAH LOOK AT THOSE WEIRDOS!"

Great, now he knew it was gonna be even worse. The adults were pretty much fucking useless half the time in these situations. "Well, whatever, call me when they either figure it out or-" 

Tweek tugged on his hoodie to get his attention, and as soon as he saw that sudden iron look in his gaze, knew there was gonna be hell. "We have to go down there, Craig. AH!" 

Craig hung up on Clyde without saying goodbye, hating how a signle phone call could further derail a already precarious situation. At least Tweek wasn't pulling his hair anymore. "Why?" He asked in his own deadpan way.

"I know what's wrong! AH. I KNOW it's the underpants gnomes, Craig, it HAS to be! Plus AH, the gnomes have like, a ton of magic, like they had a voodoo guy and shit that, that fucking grew and shrank shit! Maybe if we tell the Mayor or, or-" 

Craig grabbed his shoulder gently again, "Tweek, honey-" he began, but once again. Tweek pushed him away, teeth suddebly ground together, right eye twitching and body hunched over just slightly. "AAAARGH, YOU NEVER BELIEVE ME! YOU THINK I'M, I'M CRAZY! THEY WEREN'T JUST NIGHTMARES OR HALLUCINATIONS, CRAIG! YOU'D THINK AFTER ALL THE SHIT WE'VE BEEN THROUGH, THIS WOULDN'T, AAAAAGH, WOULDN'T FALL OUTSIDE THE REALM OF BELIEVABILITY!"

Craig bites his lip. "It... Honey..."

It was... Well. Back when they were younger, Tweek would come up with the most random shit, always seeing shadows when they weren't there, always afraid aliens were abducting him in the middle of the night. If the underpants gnomes were like, a recent thing, now that Tweek has gotten better at staying in reality, then he would totally believe him. But, back when they were nine, jesus...

Craig sighs and puts his hands in lockets, even if he really wanted to hug him. "I... If you're serious about this then, I'll do it. We can go to the mayor, or whatever and try to talk. Though we'll have to walk, considering my tire is flat and I never replaced the spare." Tweek's shoulders relaxed slightly, "Thanks Craig." He says, but he could tell Tweek knew that he didn't quiet believe it.

Then he got serious, suddenly calm and her serious, fists in balls and back up straight. "If we're AH, walking, we need to armor up," he proclaims almost steadily. He grabs Craig's hand and walks out of his room, heading down the steps with a curious Craig. He hoped Tweek didn't have a secret weapons cache, because if he did they were gonna have to have a talk.

They got to the basement, Tweek leading them down the cold wooden steps. It was a bare room, filled with wooden boxes and shelves filled with coffee grinds, filters, baking supplies, etc. "Jesus christ..." Of course the Tweek's would have their basment dedicated to their business.

Tweek didn't stop though, letting go of Craig's hand to rimmage through an old chest. Craig finally stopped looking around and came over to look over Tweek's shoulder. 

It was a bunch of old sports equipment, hockey sticks, bats, gloves, helmets. Shit from when they were kids. He couldn't see any of this shit fitting them now. ESPECIALLY not Craig.

Tweek, however, didn't seem to think so, some tiny hockey sticks to him, which came up to about his waist. Tweek grabbed himself two small bats. "Better then nothing I guess." Blunt force onjects against magically rebuilding garden gnomes doesn't sound like it would work though, but Tweek seemed so confident and Craig didn't habe the heart to ruin his mood after bringing it down.

Tweek turned to him, dead stare. "Oh this isn't half of it, we still need to raid the kitchen." 

Craig blinked, and instead of asking, he just went, "Ok babe."

Despite everything, he loves his Gnomephobic boyfriend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this is good, if not then aaaaaaaah.


End file.
